Overdue update on Grandfather & Me

***I apologize for not returning some of your comments and emails for my loyal friends of my blog. This has been an extremely rough month or so for my family and I..between my Grandfather being quite ill, and myself having nearly a mental breakdown this month; I have not had enough physical energy to get out of my bed.

Lots have things have gotten better with my antibiotic treatment since they upped me to 750mg of Recephon and now 1gram. My knees aren’t as swollen anymore, muscle spasms in legs, arms, and back are much better. Migraines are starting to be less severe and frequent. Sweating and fevers though come and go and my  weakness just seems to be getting worse, I’m  little concerned as well cause chest pain and stabbing pains near my ribs and heart have gotten worse along with my palpitations. I’ve had better days were I was able to get out of my house and the bed for the first time in a several months. Once a wedding, where I didn’t use my cane nor wheelchair!! I even danced a little too:-) The second I went to the mall, in my wheelchair but I didn’t care it was nice to feel like I was in the real world again. I must say I feel for anyone who is a paraplegic due to illness or accidental. Its been physically hard for my parents and husband to push me everywhere and very frustrating for me to get around, especially when doing normal things such as going to the mall and shopping. 

My emotional state has been what I’ve been struggling with. My moods have been all over the place,one minute so happy, next minute  extremely emotional and suicidal. I was even throwing tempers like a 5yr old kid. This is SO NOT ME!! I’m usually very laid back and a happy person. People have told me I’m  one of the strongest people they know. Which now makes me feel so much worse, just really struggling with all these feelings. After speaking with my family, I do feel much of this has to do with a combination of things…my Grandfather being ill for one. Not many people know, but he lived with my family and I for 12yrs along with my grandmother who is now deceased. This makes it so much harder, although I wouldn’t take back any of the memories I’ve gained from that experience. Not having a home with my Husband for 2yrs now, basically not feeling married nor a wife. Being in bed all the time due to pain and too much weakness just to do the simplest of things.

I really got scared though and asked for an emergency visit with my doctor, realizing this is not ‘ME’, I don’t ever react this way, its not in my personality to act like this. Some other factors after speaking with my doctor was one of my medication’s called cymbalta which I’ve been on for 5yrs now since I first got diagnosed. I had been placed on this medication for my fibromyalgia, depression, and heart palpitations. It has helped immensely with all of that, but suddenly over the past month I’ve experienced some scary feelings and behaviours. I was told over a 2 weeks ago that this might possibly be a reaction from the Cymbalta or I was having new Lyme symptoms occurring do to treatment which is very common and normal with IV treatment. She said my behaviour’s I was exhibiting were manic-depressant and some phobia’s.

I can’t tell you what a horrible experience these feelings have been for me and my family. Especially my husband, god bless him, but I think he wonders sometime what has happened to the woman I marry. I wonder that myself. I’m not sure lately who I am, trying to find that person. My Doctor did help me out though, it hasn’t been a quick fix but its helped enough that I wanted to actually go outside the other day and be around people. She lowered my dose of Cymbalta and added Abilify and it seemed to have regulated some things. I had a bad day today and yesterday, but were still working out the kinks. I haven’t spoken to any of my friends other than my friends from my lyme doc’s office. Not cause I don’t think they’d understand, but I think they’d think I’m a nut job..I’ve lost sooo many friends due to this illness, its very hard. I hate to say it  but my friend who have Lyme can relate because they have the same symptoms everyday. Even my husband and mom have said they’ll never understand what its like for me day to day living with chronic pain and not having choices in my life. 

I’ll be seeing my Doctor now again next Tuesday, hoping we can figure out what all this is. If there is anything more she can do for me. I’m already setting up with a Lyme literate psychiatrist which I think we’ll really help. I’m always open to that. I don’t want to hurt my family nor friends and lately my behaviour has. THAT I don’t like!

~~UPDATE ON MY GRANDFATHER~~My pop pop due to not having any use of his legs due to the tumor growing back,surgery(which we were told might happen) and muscle weakness from being in bed, he has been transported to a nursing home in the intensive care section of the home. They are taking very good care of him there, we’ve been extremely impressed. He sleeps 80-90% of the day from the Tumor. My family has chosen no more treatment. Hospice has come in now to keep him comfortable. It really bothers me that I’m too ill myself not to be able to see him as much as I’d like. He is a good man. His gf has still been by his side and he’s had lots of visitors. At times he will forget who we are, which is really tough. Plus, he’s aware he sick at times, lucid which can be frustrating since he wants to come home to his apartment. We just have to keep going, as hard as some days are. Our family is still in shock, being that this all has happened since August. Were not completely positive how much longer he has left. He has talked a lot lately of my grandmother and asking for his mother. Its so very sad at times. Other times he’s laughing and enjoying his piece of pie from his favorite diner in town that we brought for him. The hardest part is he can’t walk on his own and he’s confined to his bed most of the time. He has lately gotten over being angry that hes there and has accepted whats happening and has joined others in the dining room.  He is such a loving and caring man and is so loved by others. He absolutely adores my husband, he calls him his ‘BUDDY’. Its so cute…the one day it really did hit me. He grabbed my face I said some words, he again asked how ‘I’ was feeling..crazy, lol. Then I laid my head down on his chest and felt the tears streaming down my face. He kept rubbing my head and stroking his fingers in my hair. It was so hard.. I fed him his dinner that night and most of the time he was so tired and weak he couldn’t keep his eyes open nor keep his neck up, he kept wanting to put it back and sleep. Such a sin..can hardly believe this has happened. He’s been a really good eater though. He had one bad day last week that gave us a scare thinking..oh no its time. The worst out of the worst though is the nurses had to close the curtain at one point and use this machine that looked like the shape of a bulldozer to lift him out of bed. It had a swing that picked his body up. He moaned though..which was so upsetting. It litterly squished him like a sardine..just broke my heart, could hardly keep the tears back. Ya know, know matter what age, death and illness is a Bitch.

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